In an earlier post I stated that one of the benefits of mediation is that it allows the couple to maintain their dignity. This benefit cannot be overstated.
Some separating spouses will romanticize court - they believe they will get their big day in court to share the many ways they have been wronged and victimized by their spouse, and they will leave feeling vindicated. The reality is much different.
Also, there certainly can be some embarrassing admissions and dirty laundry, but a good mediator will help the couple turn these awful topics into a productive and civilized conversation.
Some separating spouses will romanticize court - they believe they will get their big day in court to share the many ways they have been wronged and victimized by their spouse, and they will leave feeling vindicated. The reality is much different.
In a typical court case, the spouses file lengthy Affidavits (written evidence) airing all of the dirty laundry, embarrassing secrets and shameful things they said in anger. They will attach shockingly vile emails and Facebook postings.
Family and mutual friends will sometimes get involved in filing their own Affidavits. These documents are public records, available at the courthouse to be read.
In court, lawyers and Judges will then get into long debates, in a public forum, about each spouse's worst behaviours and worst moments. At the end of a court case, a Judge will rarely decide one spouse was perfect and the other awful. Normally both are criticized for various behaviours. And those Judicial decisions are then published for the world to read.
Also as part of the vast majority of court cases full financial disclosure is also required and it also forms part of the public court record. Both spouses' incomes, monthly budgets, assets and debt loads are detailed. In court, the lawyers and Judges debate who is spending what on travel, entertainment and tobacco, who has a gambling problem and who is not working as often as they should. This sort of full disclosure can be especially worrisome for business owners who are concerned about their public image.
In mediation or arbitration, on the other hand, all the disclosure about bad behaviour, income and assets is kept private. All that the extended families and friends and work colleagues and children know is that a settlement was reached.
Also as part of the vast majority of court cases full financial disclosure is also required and it also forms part of the public court record. Both spouses' incomes, monthly budgets, assets and debt loads are detailed. In court, the lawyers and Judges debate who is spending what on travel, entertainment and tobacco, who has a gambling problem and who is not working as often as they should. This sort of full disclosure can be especially worrisome for business owners who are concerned about their public image.
In mediation or arbitration, on the other hand, all the disclosure about bad behaviour, income and assets is kept private. All that the extended families and friends and work colleagues and children know is that a settlement was reached.
Also, there certainly can be some embarrassing admissions and dirty laundry, but a good mediator will help the couple turn these awful topics into a productive and civilized conversation.
Having a mature conversation is always going to feel more dignified than public name-calling and mud-slinging.
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