During holidays this summer I spent time with an eight year old whose parents are divorced. They share custody and worked out the separation with an agreement. No lawyers, no court. Kids benefit greatly when parents settle the custody arrangements themselves and with minimal conflict. But, even in those cases they still have to be so careful. Not only do kids hear and understand a lot more than their parents give them credit for, they also personalize so many things. This eight year old boy said to me at one point that his dad hates everything his mom buys for him, and his mom hates everything his dad buys for him. He told me about a pair of green sandals his mom bought for him but his dad hates. It was heart-breaking because he sounded quite sad and a little confused when he said he didn't think the green sandals were that bad. A parent may well have made a harmless, half-joking comment about the shoes, not even thinking that the child is going to feel defensive of the other parent they love, guilty for causing conflict and uncomfortable wearing the shoes from that point forward. Children of divorce listen with a different set of ear. It's a lesson for all separated parents, and something of which they should never stop being conscious.
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