Ground Rules in Mediation

In the mediation process, it is the role of the mediator to set up a productive conversation between two disputants. 

Each party can air their grievances, share the effect the other's behaviour has had on them and give their own perspective on the conflict. The mediator helps them talk and express themselves, and helps them hear the other side. By helping the parties share their own feelings and hear the perspectives of the other person, hopefully resolutions can be achieved.

One of the interesting aspects of being a mediator is with respect to the ground rules for meetings. 

Some will talk to the parties in advance about the rules. For example, no swearing or raised voices, no interrupting, use "I" not "you" statements, no blaming or insults. It can be helpful for everyone to be advised of the basic rules, and then reminded of the rules as the conversation gets intense or heated.

There is another school of thought however. Some mediators do not set out ground rules in advance. Why not? 

It can seem condescending to parties to give them a list of manners as if they are back in grade school. It can be downright insulting to people who would never behave inappropriately even in an argument. It can also be a waste of time. For example, for individuals more inclined to fly off the handle, a list of rules sent to them in advance is not likely to make any difference. It's far better to address the behaviour in the moment.

As well, when it comes to family mediation, each family is different. The mediator has to respect that fact. 

Some spouses will use raised voices and profanity and inflammatory language, but are able to do so in a productive conversation. It's fairly normal for them so, although the mediator may be uncomfortable, they shouldn't be forced into an unnatural type of discussion. 

The mediator should check privately with each spouse and make sure they are ok with the way the meeting is going, but if both are, why fix what isn`t broken?