I recently had a client come in with a copy of her mediated parenting agreement. She and her former spouse had worked out the terms of custody, a care and control schedule, holidays, decision-making and some basic parenting ground rules and procedures. Both were pleased with the outcome, but her comment to me was the mediation process was hard, and a took a long time.
This is one of the major misconceptions about mediations. Clients think it will quick, cheap and painless. Yes, it's possible to throw together an agreement like that, but will it have any staying power? Most often no. An effective mediation process involves a couple truly hearing each other out, working on and practicing rebuilding some of the communication and trust issues that have fallen apart as the marriage ended, having a meaningful conversation about the children and negotiating until they can reach a consensus. Of course this is going to take some time and it won't be easy. But until that work is done, the parents will continue saving the same arguments and miscommunications and fall into the same unhealthy patterns that ended the relationship.
It took a lot of time and work, and many hard conversations, to enter into a relationship and parent together, so why would anything think it would be any easier to create a new post-marriage relationship? Mediation can be hugely rewarding, less expensive and faster than court, provides privacy and dignity and shelters children from conflict. But it's not going to be easy.
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